You’ll Never Believe What Happened When Mr. Pitt Walked out onto His Balcony Last Week!
Sep 22, 2020
Did we say Mr. Pitt? No. Definitely not him. We meant Pad Britt, a totally unrelated actor that looks a lot like Pitt but definitely isn’t him...for liability purposes.
Mr. Britt was spotted by paparazzi and hundreds of stunned onlookers as he emerged from his Malibu home to warm his face, and his unmentionables, in the early morning sun. Mr. Britt was seen stretching and doing yoga on his balcony, in his underwear. Except that very little of him was actually in his underwear.
Photos taken that day show an utter lack of concern for the comfort, containment, or control of Mr. Britt's bits. As he moved between downward dog and warrior position crowds were confronted with a full swing action as Britt’s danglers repeatedly emerged from unintended holes in his moth-eaten, threadbare tighty whities.
Parents in the crowd quickly covered their children’s faces and ushered them off the street. Those unfortunate enough to catch an eyeful before being turned away were inconsolable, terrorized by the sight of 50-year old Britt’s bag bouncing in the morning dew.
Female onlookers said they were...unimpressed. “I always imagined him less droopy,” said one witness. “It was like an old leather change purse, stretched out by years of abuse. Goes to show you reality never lives up to the fantasy.”
UnderGents to the Rescue
When confronted with the images by his publicist, Mr. Britt reportedly giggled uncontrollably for 15 minutes while coughing out the phrase, “franks and beans!” repeatedly. But his laughter quickly turned somber when he learned that women everywhere were now choosing to focus on their husband's faces instead of fantasizing about Britt’s during sex.
For Britt, the only thing larger than the holes in his underwear is the size of his ego, and it simply couldn’t take the blow of knowing that his junk had been downgraded to junk bond status. He needed help, and he needed it fast.
Fortuitously, one of Britt’s staff had recently started wearing Undergents underwear. He knew how utterly comfortable it was, and how it cradled everything the way it deserved to be, creating a visual appeal that fixed the gaze of anyone lucky enough to chance upon the sight. Immediately he knew what needed to be done.
Opening his gym bag, he removed the clean pair of Undergents he’d brought to change into after his workout. Britt snatched it up and retired to his bedroom to make the switch. Within seconds he reemerged, a new man. His junk was comfortably contained. The fabric was so soft and pliant it felt as if he was going commando even as his knob and bobs were perfectly suspended.
In joyous rapture, Britt burst from his beach house back onto his balcony, his proud package clad in a perfect pair of modern silver Undergents boxer briefs, buoyant and free, to the delight of his fans. “Yes!” cried a passerby as Britt strode into her field of view. “That’s how I always imagined it! It’s so...beautiful! I, uh...need to take care of something. At home. Right now.”
And that’s how Undergents’s mind-blowingly comfortable underwear saved Pad Britt’s, and not Brad Pitt’s career.