Emergency workers were confronted with a devastating scene today as the New York City marathon wound down to its final miles. Bystanders stood in shock as hundreds of male runners were suddenly immobilized by an affliction that left them writhing in agony, even as other runners ran around their prostrate bodies. The scene was mass confusion, as authorities worked desperately to contain the world’s worst large-scale chafing incident in recent memory.
The screams of victims could be heard for blocks. One particularly unfortunate case was heard repeatedly shouting, “My balls! My junk! Sweet Mary and Joseph, someone please find me some talcum powder!”
“I’ve never seen anything like it!” remarked one paramedic as he hurried out of the crowd to fetch another container of diaper rash cream. “I didn’t know thighs could self-combust like that! It’s like their underwear was made of sandpaper. Why would someone do that to themselves?”
An Abrasion Invasion
The country, already reeling from the memory of what happened three months ago during the finals for the Mountain Due, “Come On Baby, Let’s Due the Twist” endurance dance competition, was unsure how to take the news.
As first responders moved among the victims, wading through inflamed thighs, ruby red nutbags, and blazing tallywhackers, one onlooker commented, “It was horrible. Like sweaty bacon stuffed into unwashed tube socks. I nearly fainted. These men should have chosen better men’s underwear.”
Amid the confusion, however, one group of runners emerged from the pack, seemingly unscathed by the epidemic of rug burn that had cut down so many of their brethren. Officials from the Centers for Chafe Control were desperate to understand what rendered these runners immune to the “abrasive event”.
Sodden Skivies to Blame
Dr. Nimbus Slapbottom, an expert on scrotal excoriation, was called in to examine the participants. He presented his findings at a news conference later in the day.
“After examining more seared nether regions than I ever care to again, “said Dr. Slapbottom, “I’ve come to the conclusion that immunity was conferred by what I can only describe as the most comfortable, cooling, and moisture wicking men’s underwear that I’ve ever seen in my career. It’s my professional opinion that UnderGents men’s underwear saved the nether regions of many men today.”
Representatives from UnderGents gave this statement in response to the shocking findings:
“First, our hearts go out to the men who were victims of today’s unfortunate heuvo roast. Those poor jibblies never asked for what happened to them. But it doesn’t surprise us that our mind-blowingly comfortable CloudSoft men’s underwear offered protection to those participants smart enough to clad their man pouches appropriately.”
“We’ve designed & engineered our men’s underwear to be extremely soft, wicking both moisture and heat away from the skin, to keep our customer’s beanbags cool and fresh. They offer just the right amount of support, keeping everything in place without causing your voice to climb an octave. They simply fit right, offering comfort without compression, whether you’re running a marathon...or not running a marathon. What’s underneath is important and we wish more men understood that before today.”
In response to the tragedy, nearly every other major health organization on the planet changed their undergarment guidelines to include UnderGents as the preferred means of preventing inflammatory, crotch-related chafing incidents.
Today a grateful legion of men turn their hearts, and their web browsers to www.undergents.com to say, “Never again.”